Gender disappointment: why it happens and what helps

If you felt sad, flat or let down when you found out your baby's sex, you're not alone. This is called gender disappointment. COPE, an Australian perinatal mental health group, says it's common, either parent can feel it, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't mean you'll love your baby less, and it usually eases with time.

What to do about gender disappointment, step by step

1. Name it to yourself: "I'm disappointed, and that's okay." COPE says to let yourself feel the sadness and not be too harsh on yourself.
2. Hold off on telling everyone for a few days if you need to. You don't owe anyone a big reaction on scan day.
3. Write down what you'd pictured doing with a son or a daughter. KKH suggests writing your feelings down to get some perspective on them.
4. Tell your spouse how you feel, in plain words. KKH suggests talking to your husband, a friend, a doctor or a counsellor to let out feelings you've held in.
5. Choose one or two people who won't judge you. COPE says talking with someone you trust can help.
6. Agree on one short line with your spouse for relatives who ask. Something like "The baby's healthy, and we're still taking it all in."
7. Talk or sing to the bump. HealthHub says your baby remembers your voice from the womb.
8. Pick one thing for this baby: a name, a nickname, a first outfit. Stuck on names? Try our unisex baby names list.
9. Keep up the basics: rest, proper meals and a little time out of the house. KKH lists these in its tips for staying emotionally well in pregnancy.
10. See a GP, a polyclinic doctor or your gynae if you've felt low most days for two weeks. KKH says that's the point to get care.

Why it happens

COPE lists the usual reasons. You may have longed for a boy or a girl. You may already have children of one sex. There may be family or cultural hopes around you. For some parents, it's the brother or sister they'd pictured for an older child.

Often the sadness is about what you think you'll miss. COPE says many parents grieve activities, relationships or experiences they link with one sex. Your child will still have their own interests and personality, and those won't always follow stereotypes.

If you live with or near your parents or in-laws, you may hear their hopes more often. A grandparent mentions a grandson. A relative says a girl would make it "one of each". These remarks are usually offhand, but they land on a sore spot. KKH notes that family tend to expect a new mother to be happy and at peace, which makes it harder to say you're not.

Some reasons run deeper. COPE says some parents worry they won't relate to a son or a daughter. COPE adds that women who were abused as children sometimes feel anxious about having a boy, or about keeping a girl safe. A counsellor can help you work through this.

A past loss can sit underneath it too. KKH says women who've had a pregnancy loss are at higher risk of depression, and those feelings can come back in a later pregnancy. If this baby follows a miscarriage, our guide on coping after miscarriage may help.

Social media can make it sharper. COPE says online gender reveals can add to sadness or even jealousy. It's fine to mute those posts for a while. If you're planning a reveal yourself, our gender reveal guide covers finding out privately first.

What you feel and what helps

Talking to your spouse and family

Your spouse may feel the same as you, or not at all. COPE says either parent can have gender disappointment. Say it early, so neither of you is guessing.

A few lines you could borrow:

• To your spouse: "I'm glad about the baby. I'm also sad about something I'd pictured, and I need to say it."
• If your spouse is the sad one: "You don't have to pretend with me. What were you hoping for?"
• To a parent or in-law: "We're still getting used to it too. Can we talk about the baby, and not about trying again?"
• To a friend who says you should be grateful: "I am grateful. I'm also sad for a bit, and both are true."

Practical help counts too. KKH says not to be embarrassed about asking for help with chores, the baby or older children, so you can rest. If grandparents will help care for the baby and you clash over how, see our guide on mother-in-law parenting conflict.

Bonding with the baby you're having

HealthHub says it takes time to bond with your baby. If you haven't felt the attachment yet, maybe because you're tired, it says not to give up.

COPE says gender disappointment doesn't stop you loving your baby, and the feelings often fade after the birth. In pregnancy, you can start by talking to the bump. After the birth, HealthHub suggests looking into your baby's eyes during feeds.

If you still feel cut off from your baby weeks after the birth, tell your doctor. KKH says depression after delivery can make bonding harder, and that depression is very treatable. Our guide to not bonding with your newborn has more ideas.

When to see a doctor

Sadness about your baby's sex usually eases. These signs mean it's worth seeing a doctor anyway:

• You've felt low, tearful or irritable most days for two weeks, or you're struggling to get through daily life. KKH says that's when to get care.
• The feelings are changing how you feel about your baby. COPE says a health professional can help.
• After the birth, the baby blues haven't lifted after two weeks. KKH says to see your doctor then, as it may be postnatal depression.
• You have negative feelings towards your baby, poor sleep, or no interest in things you used to enjoy. KKH lists these among the signs of postnatal depression.
• You've had depression before, or a past pregnancy loss. KKH says both raise your risk, so tell your doctor early.
• You have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby. Call 995 or go to the nearest emergency department now. Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) answers 1767, 24 hours a day.

Start with your GP, a polyclinic doctor or your gynae. For mood in pregnancy and after birth, KKH's Women's Mental Wellness Service takes appointments on 6294 4050. NUH's Women's Emotional Health Service supports women through pregnancy and the first year after birth.

For other mood changes in pregnancy, see mood swings during pregnancy. Our postnatal depression guide covers the signs and the EPDS screen. Every helpline is on our mental health helplines page.

Frequently asked questions

Is gender disappointment normal?

Yes. COPE says sadness or grief after learning your baby's sex is common, and that both parents can feel it. It also says gender disappointment doesn't mean you won't love your baby.

How long does gender disappointment last?

For most parents it fades. COPE says the feelings usually pass with time and understanding, and often go once the baby is born. If you've felt low most days for two weeks, see a doctor, as KKH advises.

Can dads have gender disappointment?

Yes. COPE says both parents can experience it. If your spouse goes quiet after the scan, ask how they feel. Then listen, without trying to talk them out of it.

Will gender disappointment affect bonding with my baby?

Usually not for long. HealthHub says bonding takes time for every parent, and COPE says these feelings often fade after the birth. If you still feel cut off from your baby weeks later, tell your doctor. KKH says depression can make bonding harder.

Could the scan be wrong about my baby's sex?

HealthHub says the sex seen at the detailed scan, done at 18 to 22 weeks, is fairly accurate. It adds that you can only be 100% sure after the birth. Waiting for a mistake can keep you stuck, so it may help to start adjusting anyway.

Is it wrong to feel gender disappointment when others can't get pregnant?

No. You can be grateful and sad at the same time. COPE says it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that accepting your baby's sex often means feeling some grief first.