Not bonding with your newborn? Why the feeling can take time, small things that help, and when it points to postnatal depression

Not bonding with your newborn straight away is common, and it doesn't mean something is wrong with you or your baby. HealthHub's own advice to new parents is that it takes time to bond, and that if you haven't felt the attachment growing yet, perhaps because you are too tired, you shouldn't give up. For many parents the feeling builds over weeks of feeding, holding and settling, long after the delivery room. What needs a doctor is feeling nothing alongside low mood, guilt, or wanting to avoid your baby for more than two weeks. SingHealth lists negative feelings towards the baby among the symptoms of postnatal depression, and it's treatable.

Why the bond can take time

Films show a rush of love the moment the baby is placed on your chest. Plenty of parents feel shock, relief, pain or nothing much at all. These are the things that most often get in the way:

• HealthHub names tiredness as one reason the attachment may not have grown yet. When you're running on two hours of broken sleep, every feeling goes dull, love included.
• A hard or frightening birth, an emergency caesarean or a slow recovery can leave you focused on your own pain for a while.
• If your baby was in the NICU or special care nursery, or you were unwell after the birth, you missed the early days of holding.
• Feeding problems that turn every feed into a test you feel you're failing.
• Low mood or anxiety in pregnancy. SingHealth says mothers with antenatal depression can find it hard to bond with their baby, and that this can carry on after the birth.
• An unplanned pregnancy, or one that came after loss or years of trying. A KKH psychiatrist told HealthXchange that mums who struggle to cope with an unplanned pregnancy can have real trouble bonding and need help for it.
• If you were sure you'd feel instant love, the gap between that and how you actually feel can bring guilt, and guilt makes it harder still.

None of these mean the bond won't come. They mean it's arriving by a slower road.

What's common, and when to get help

There's no fixed date by which you should feel bonded. These timings come from SingHealth's guide to mood after birth, and they help you tell ordinary adjustment from something that needs care.

Small things that build the bond

Bonding grows out of ordinary care repeated many times. You don't need to feel love first and act second. Doing these things, even while you feel flat, is how it starts:

• Hold your baby skin-to-skin, in just a nappy against your bare chest, for a stretch each day. Our guide to kangaroo care shows how to do it safely at home.
• HealthHub suggests looking into your baby's eyes while feeding to deepen the bond, and that works with a bottle as well as the breast.
• Talk and sing to your baby. HealthHub says your baby remembers your voice from the womb, and your smell and heartbeat comfort them, so a running commentary while you change a nappy counts.
• Try a short massage after the bath. HealthHub says up to 10 minutes is enough for a newborn, and that it calms a fussy baby and helps parent and baby bond.
• Carry your baby in a carrier around the flat, or keep the cot in your room, so they're close by.
• Make one care task yours, such as the evening bath, and protect it.
• Play for a few minutes each day; our guide to bonding with baby through play has simple games for the first months.
• Hand over one night feed so you get a longer stretch of sleep. Our guide to new parent sleep deprivation has shift plans.

If you're not enjoying any of it yet, that's alright. Keep going, and notice the small moments when something does feel good.

When not bonding points to postnatal depression

SingHealth says a depressed mother may see herself as a bad or unloving mother, and that the guilt and negative thoughts that come with depression affect the bond between mother and child. KKH notes that untreated perinatal mental illness can affect a mother's ability to bond with her child, and that with treatment women recover. So feeling nothing for your baby can be a symptom to treat, and it says nothing about what kind of mother you are.

See a doctor if, for more than two weeks, you have several of these alongside feeling disconnected:

• Low mood, tearfulness or irritability most days
• Losing interest in things, including your baby
• Guilt, or feeling like a bad or unloving mother
• Wanting to avoid your baby, or leaving all the care to others
• Poor sleep even when the baby sleeps, or poor appetite
• Anxiety, panic or unwanted thoughts of harm coming to the baby

Start with a GP, polyclinic doctor or your O&G, or do the free EPDS check on HealthHub first. KKH's Women's Mental Wellness Service answers questions at pnd@kkh.com.sg within three to five working days. Our guide to postnatal depression in Singapore covers the screening, the costs and where to go.

How partners and family can help

NUH's Dr Cornelia Chee says that if a mother is in denial or underestimates how the symptoms affect her, the family should step in, and that a depressed mum may withdraw from her baby or seem angry rather than sad. What helps:

• Don't tease or lecture her about not being maternal enough; guilt makes it worse
• Take over chores and some night feeds so she has the energy for the baby
• Hand the baby back for the calm moments, a cuddle after a feed or bath time, not only the crying ones
• Notice if she is withdrawn, irritable or low for more than two weeks, and offer to book and come to a doctor's appointment
• If you are the partner and struggling to bond too, the same habits work for you; HealthHub's advice to dads is to cuddle the baby whenever you can and learn the care tasks, which get easier with practice

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal not to feel love for my newborn straight away?

Yes. HealthHub says it takes time to bond with a baby, and that tiredness can delay the feeling. Many parents feel love grow over weeks of everyday care.

How long does it take to bond with a newborn?

There's no set time. For many parents it builds over the first weeks and months. If you still feel nothing after two weeks and also feel low, guilty or uninterested, see a doctor, because that can be postnatal depression.

Can a difficult birth or NICU stay affect bonding?

It can slow it down, because pain, fear and time apart take up the early days. Skin-to-skin, holding and feeding as soon as you're able help you catch up, and the NICU team can show you how.

Is not bonding with my baby a sign of postnatal depression?

It can be. SingHealth lists negative feelings towards the baby among the symptoms of postnatal depression. On its own, a slow start is common; if low mood, guilt or loss of interest goes on for more than two weeks, get checked.

Can dads struggle to bond too?

Yes. Dads often have less time with the baby in the early weeks. HealthHub suggests dads learn nappy changes and baths, comfort the baby when fretful and cuddle up whenever they can.

Does bonding happen if I don't breastfeed?

Yes. Eye contact, talking, holding and skin-to-skin all work during bottle feeds. HealthHub's advice to look into your baby's eyes while feeding applies to any feed.