Telling kids about divorce or separation: what to say, age by age

Telling kids about divorce goes best when you plan it together. Agree the words with your spouse, tell all the children at once, and keep it short and true. Say it's a grown-up decision and it isn't their fault. Then tell them what stays the same, what changes and when. After that, keep the routine steady and let them come back with questions.

How to tell your children about a divorce or separation, step by step

1. Agree on the words with your spouse first, if it's safe to talk. MSF suggests telling the children together, as long as there are no safety concerns, so they hear one version.
2. Tell all your children at the same time. Then check in with each child alone later, as MSF advises.
3. Give a short, true reason and leave out the details, such as the fights or an affair. MSF suggests saying you both have problems you can't solve, and they have nothing to do with the children.
4. Say plainly that it isn't their fault and that you both love them. MSF says younger children often assume they caused the divorce.
5. Name what stays the same and what changes. MSF's own example keeps the same school and friends, while the time with each parent shifts.
6. Promise only what's settled, and keep every promise. MSF warns against false hope, such as hinting that you'll get back together.
7. Let them ask anything, now or later. The Raising Children Network says to be ready to answer the same question more than once.
8. Keep meals, naps and bedtimes where they were. MSF says a familiar routine helps a young child feel safe and settled.
9. Keep your child out of the middle. MSF says don't use them to carry messages or to report on the other parent.
10. Tell grandparents, your helper and the teacher the words you've used. MSF suggests reminding family members not to speak badly of the other parent.

What children understand at each age

MSF's Family Assist pages describe how children take the news at each age. Pitch the talk to the row that fits, and give older children more detail.

MSF notes that children may need repeated reassurance and regular check-ins, so the first talk is only a start. A death or an accident in the family at the same time needs its own talk. Our guide to talking to kids about scary news covers it.

Answering the questions they ask

The Raising Children Network suggests asking what your child thinks before you answer, so you find out what they already know. A big question often hides a smaller worry. A child who asks when Daddy is coming home may really want to know when they'll see him next. Whatever they ask, the same site says to remind them that both parents love them.

• "Is it because I was naughty?" Try: "No. This is about Mummy and Daddy. Nothing you did or said made it happen."
• "Where will I sleep?" Give the real plan, or say: "We haven't decided yet. When we do, I'll tell you first."
• "Will you get back together?" MSF advises against false hope. Try: "No, we won't live together again. We'll always both be your parents."
• "Will I still see Ah Ma?" Name the next visit if you can: "Yes. You'll see Ah Ma on Sunday, same as always."

Grandparents, helpers and teachers

If a grandparent or a helper does much of the daily care, they'll hear your child's questions first. Give them the same words you used. Sound carries in a shared flat. MSF says to keep arguments away from children, and to leave adult matters such as money out of their hearing.

MSF suggests reminding family members not to speak badly of the other parent. The Raising Children Network's page for grandparents adds two things. Keep meals and bedtimes as usual, and never ask a grandchild to carry messages. You could say to your parents or in-laws: "We've told the kids it's a grown-up decision and not their fault. If they ask you, could you say the same?" For wider tension over how the kids are raised, see mother-in-law parenting conflict.

Tell the preschool or school teacher too, if you and your child are comfortable with that. MSF says teachers can let you know about changes they spot, and may refer your child for counselling.

What MSF and the Family Justice Courts ask of divorcing parents

MSF says parents with children below 21 must attend the Mandatory Co-Parenting Programme (CPP) before filing for divorce. It's e-learning plus a consultation with a counsellor. MSF encourages couples to attend the consultation together to plan for the children.

When you file, you'll fill in a Parenting Plan, which MSF says is best agreed between you. The Family Justice Courts list what to think through first. One is care and control: who looks after the children day to day, and who they live with. Another is access, which is how often the other parent sees them. The courts don't give legal advice.

The Raising Children Network says children have a right to know where they'll live and who'll look after them. Until that's settled, share only what you know. For money, leave and housing as a single parent, see single parent benefits in Singapore.

Your own feelings in front of them

Your child will probably see you sad. The Raising Children Network says that's OK when you show it calmly. It tells them they can share feelings too. MSF suggests keeping it simple, without the details of the divorce or the weight of your hurt.

With a pre-teen, MSF says you may find yourself relying on them for support, and that carrying this can affect them. Lean on adults instead: a friend, a counsellor or a helpline. Our list of mental health helplines for parents has the numbers. When you're running on empty, read parental burnout.

When to get help

MSF strongly advises professional help for your child if you see any of these:

• Sadness, anxiety, avoiding friends and family, or suddenly losing interest in things they used to enjoy (MSF).
• A daily routine thrown off for a long time, such as sleep, meals or going to school (MSF).
• Changes in usual behaviour, mood or personality, such as being more angry, irritable or teary than usual (Raising Children Network).
• You and the other parent finding it harder and harder to manage your child's emotions (MSF).
• Hitting, threats or fear at home. That's family violence, not a marriage problem. A counsellor can help you plan how to talk to your child, the Raising Children Network says. Our guide to family violence help in Singapore lists who to call.
• Your child talks about harming themselves or others, or says things like "I wish I weren't here" (MSF). If they're in immediate harm, SOS says to call 995 or go to the nearest A&E. SOS's 24-hour hotline is 1767.

Start with your child's teacher or school counsellor, or a Strengthening Families Programme (FAM) centre. MSF says FAM centres offer face-to-face counselling for children coping with divorce, and every session is free. For worries about growth or development, MSF suggests a healthcare professional, such as your GP, polyclinic doctor or paediatrician. Our guide to child mental health in Singapore has the signs of stress by age and where to go next.

Frequently asked questions

What should I say when telling kids about divorce?

Keep it to a few true sentences. You won't live together anymore, it's a grown-up decision, and it isn't their fault. You both love them. MSF suggests adding what won't change, like school and friends. Leave out the reasons and any blame.

How to tell children about separation when nothing is decided yet?

Tell them what you know, and say the rest is still being worked out. MSF's advice is to keep every promise, so commit only to plans that are settled. You might say: "We'll tell you about the new home as soon as we've decided."

Should both parents be there when we tell the kids?

Yes, if it's safe. MSF says telling them together means they hear one version. They're also less likely to feel they must side with one parent. If you're afraid of your spouse, don't plan a joint talk. Speak to a counsellor first.

Is my toddler too young to be told about the divorce?

No. MSF says children up to 2 can't follow the conflict but can feel the tension at home. Use a sentence or two and keep naps and meals the same. Stay calm too, since MSF notes young children take their cues from you.

Does my child have to attend a programme if we divorce?

The required programme is for parents: MSF requires the CPP before filing if you have children below 21. For children, MSF lists two free groups. Children-in-Between is for ages 6 to 14 when parents are in conflict, over 3 sessions of 2 hours. CODIP is for ages 7 to 12, over 6 sessions of 2 hours.

What if my child takes one parent's side?

MSF notes that children from 5 to 12 may side with one parent and reject the other. Don't argue the case with your child. Don't criticise the other parent either, since MSF says children hear that as criticism of part of themselves. Keep visits regular, and talk to a FAM centre counsellor if it lasts.