Stranger danger and body safety: what to teach your child at each age

Teach your child who to go to for help, rather than to fear every stranger. The Singapore Children's Society says most people who sexually abuse children are people the child knows, such as household members or family friends. That's why stranger danger and body safety work best as one short set of rules that covers everyone. Families for Life says you can start when your child is 3 or 4.

How to teach stranger danger and body safety, step by step

1. Use the real names for body parts at bath time, such as penis, vagina and buttocks. Families for Life says knowing the exact words helps a child report unsafe touch with confidence.
2. Teach the underwear rule: the parts their underwear covers are private. The Children's Society says a parent or carer may see or touch them only for a good reason, like helping your child wash.
3. Swap secrets for surprises, so your child knows what's OK to keep quiet. A surprise, like a birthday present, is shared soon. A secret about bodies, or one that feels scary, always gets told to you.
4. Let your child say no to hugs and kisses, even from grandparents. Families for Life suggests offering a high five or a wave instead.
5. Pick 3 to 5 trusted adults together, besides you, as Families for Life suggests. If one adult doesn't help, your child keeps telling until someone does.
6. Practise the Children's Society's three rules: say no, walk out, tell a trusted adult. Ask what-if questions, like "What if someone says it's our little secret?"
7. Make a plan for getting lost: stand still, then ask a parent with children or a cashier, as NHS guidance advises. Staff in uniform at a mall or MRT station are good people to ask too.
8. Agree a family password with anyone who might collect your child at short notice. If an adult your child wasn't expecting can't say it, your child stays put, whether that adult is a stranger or a relative.
9. Promise your child they won't be in trouble for telling you anything. If they do tell, the Children's Society says to stay calm and believe them.

Why safe adults work better than stranger danger

Young children don't really know what a stranger is. NHS guidance says they might picture a stranger as a 'baddie', but you can't tell who is kind just by looking. Most people don't hurt children, it adds, so there's no need to make your child scared of everyone.

MSF says sexual abuse can come from a stranger or from someone the child knows. Its description of grooming includes stopping a child from telling anyone. So teach your child to judge people by what they do. An adult who asks them to keep a secret from you, offers a treat to go somewhere, or tries to take them away is someone to walk away from. Your child tells you about it, and the NHS says that holds even if they like or love the person.

Around your HDB block, the same rule covers a neighbour in the lift and a familiar face at the void deck. Your child checks with you before going anywhere with anyone. If someone tries to take them, the NHS says they should shout for help and run to you or to a busy place.

Shyness with new people is a separate topic, covered in our guide to a toddler who is shy with strangers.

What to teach at each age

The ages for bodies and babies come from Raising Children Network. It says most children aged 2 to 3 are very curious about bodies, and 4 to 5 year olds often ask where babies come from. By 6, many want to know how babies are made. A toddler touching their genitals during a nappy change is OK, it says. When they're older, you can talk about private and public. HealthHub says schools run sexuality education programmes from upper primary to post-secondary level.

How to answer where babies come from

Ask what your child thinks first. "Where do you think babies come from?" shows you what they've already heard, and Raising Children suggests keeping your answer brief and positive.

HealthHub asks parents to use the correct words, like penis and vagina, instead of childish ones. Saying the baby was picked up from the drain or brought by a stork only confuses children, it warns, and they can be very curious about sex from as young as 4.

If you're stuck, tell your child it's a good question and you'll get back to them, as HealthHub suggests, then do it. With a 6 to 8 year old, Raising Children suggests explaining that sex is something grown-ups do when they both want to, and that it's not for children. You can add that some babies join families through IVF, adoption or foster care. HealthHub says you can also use the talk to share your family's values about sex.

The Children's Society says news of an abuse case can be a good way into the topic. Our guide to talking to kids about scary news helps you keep it calm.

Helpers, grandparents and preschool: one set of words

Rules stick when every adult says the same thing. The Singapore Children's Society wrote its KidzLive booklet for any adult caregiver to use, so share it with your helper and the grandparents. Agree on the same names for body parts and the same three rules.

The good-reason rule covers your helper too, so bathing your child or helping at the toilet is fine. Families for Life says no one should touch your child in an unsafe way, even a family member or close friend. Your child needs to hear that the rule covers everyone.

Grandparents may feel hurt when a child won't hug them, so explain the rule before family visits and offer the high five or wave as the polite greeting.

Ask your child's preschool how it teaches body safety. The Children's Society has run KidzLive for pre-schoolers since 2011, and our childcare centre visit checklist has more questions to ask. Hiring a helper? See our helper interview questions and the new helper arrival checklist. For chats, games and photos online, see internet safety for children.

If your child tells you something

Stay calm. The Children's Society says to listen, believe your child and tell them it's never their fault. Keep your words short: "Thank you for telling me. You did the right thing."

You don't need the whole story before you call. MSF says the National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline (NAVH) has trained professionals who can help, so let them ask the questions. Don't confront the person yourself; keep your child with adults you trust and call the helpline.

When to get help

MSF and the Children's Society list signs that someone, a caregiver included, may be harming a child. One sign on its own isn't proof. MSF says some can come from other problems, so let a professional assess. Talk to someone if you notice:

• Bruises or cuts at different stages of healing, frequent injuries no one can explain, or injuries kept hidden under clothing (MSF)
• A sudden, strong fear of one person or place, such as refusing to bathe (MSF)
• Being easily scared or nervous about touch (MSF)
• Sexual words, knowledge or play beyond their age (MSF), especially if it's forceful, keeps going or doesn't stop when you ask (Children's Society)
• Going back to bed-wetting or soiling, or a big change, like a chatty child going quiet (Children's Society)
• Changes in eating or sleeping (Children's Society)
• Injury, pain or infection around the private parts, such as a urinary tract infection (MSF)
• In a baby, poor feeding, vomiting, unusual sleepiness, irritability, trouble breathing or fits, which MSF lists as possible signs of shaken baby syndrome: see a doctor straight away
• Your child says someone touched their private parts or asked them to keep a body secret

See your GP, polyclinic doctor or paediatrician about any injury or symptom, and use our paediatrician map to find one. For something at preschool, talk to the principal. In primary school, MSF lists teachers and school counsellors among the adults a student can go to.

To report suspected abuse, call the NAVH on 1800-777-0000 or use the online form on MSF's reporting page. MSF says the information you share is kept confidential. There's no civil or criminal liability for a report made in good faith, it adds. If a child is in danger now, call the police on 999 or SMS 70999. Our guide to family violence help in Singapore lists the other numbers and what happens after you call.

Frequently asked questions

What should I teach my kids about stranger danger in Singapore?

Teach them who to ask for help. They don't go off with anyone unexpectedly, and if they're lost, they ask a parent with children or a cashier. They tell you about any adult who asks them for a secret.

When does sex education for kids start in Singapore?

Families for Life says you can start body safety at home when your child is 3 or 4. In school, HealthHub says sexuality education runs from upper primary to post-secondary level, and Raising Children says talking early and often makes those later talks easier.

How do I start explaining where babies come from to my 4-year-old?

Ask what they think, then give one true sentence: babies grow inside the body, in a place called the uterus. Raising Children says 4 and 5 year olds can understand that it takes a sperm and an egg. Use the real words and leave out the stork.

What are the signs of child abuse by a caregiver?

MSF lists bruises at different stages of healing, injuries no one can explain and a sudden fear of a particular person or place. The Children's Society adds a return to bed-wetting and sudden changes in behaviour. A sign isn't proof, so call the NAVH on 1800-777-0000 and let trained staff assess.

Should I make my child hug relatives?

No. Families for Life says your child can say no to kisses and hugs, even from grandparents, and offer a high five or a wave instead. That way they learn their body is their own, and that saying no can still be polite.