Child lying and swearing: what to say and do at each age

When you catch your child lying and swearing, stay calm and keep your reply short. Families for Life says a laugh or a shocked face can make a child repeat a swear word, because the reaction gets them attention. Say what you know, then make the truth safe to tell. Agree one family rule on words, and use it with every adult who cares for your child.

What to do when your child lies or swears, step by step

1. Stay calm. Families for Life says a big reaction, even a laugh, can make a child repeat a swear word because it gets attention.
2. Check the age before you call it a lie, because the AAP says children younger than 6 often mix up reality and fantasy, and a dragon story at that age is usually pretend.
3. Say what you already know instead of setting a trap: "I can see the biscuit tin is open. Let's close it." Asking "Did you eat the biscuits?" invites a no.
4. Tell your child the truth costs less. The AAP suggests saying they'll get in much less trouble for the truth than for a lie.
5. Thank them when they own up, even if there's still a mess to fix. Families for Life says to notice honesty even when you still deal with the behaviour.
6. Say "That wasn't true." Skip the word liar, which Families for Life says can hurt self-esteem.
7. Give a swear word one flat line: "We don't use that word." If it was said to get a rise out of you, ignore it and praise polite words, as Families for Life suggests.
8. Step in at once if the word is aimed at someone in anger. The AAP says that kind of swearing should never be tolerated.
9. Teach words for big feelings, like "I'm so cross!" Deep breaths and slow counting help too.
10. Use the same rule and the same words as your helper, grandparents and preschool teacher. Families for Life says children learn best when expectations are clear and consistent.

Why children lie at different ages

Families for Life says lying often starts in the preschool years and is a normal part of development. Young children lie to stay out of trouble, get attention, make a story better or get something they want. Some just want to see what you'll do. Your child's age tells you which kind you're hearing.

A tall tale is different from a cover-up. If your 4-year-old says a dinosaur came to the playground, enjoy it: "What colour was it?" If the dinosaur broke the vase, smile and say, "Let's tell the real story now." Families for Life says pretend play should be celebrated rather than treated as lying.

Some children tell big stories about how good they are. Families for Life says this often comes from wanting praise or approval. Notice their real efforts more, and the made-up stories may fade.

How to teach kids to be honest

Children copy you. The AAP says your own honesty is probably the most important way your child learns it, and that covers small fibs too, like saying the playground is closed when you're ready to leave. Families for Life says white lies can confuse young children who are still sorting out what's true. Say "It's time to go home now" instead.

Make the truth the easier path. Thank your child each time they own up: "Thanks for telling me. Let's fix it." Families for Life says children who find the truth brings support are less likely to hide mistakes. It also suggests stories such as The Boy Who Cried Wolf for talking about trust.

Keep consequences small and linked to what happened. If your child drew on the wall and denied it, they can help clean it while you explain why honesty matters, as Families for Life suggests. The AAP says harsh punishment usually isn't very effective, and Families for Life adds that smacking doesn't teach better choices.

Our guides to disciplining a toddler without shouting and phrases not to say to kids go further on calm limits.

Where kids pick up swear words, and what to say

Most children hear a swear word long before they use one. Families for Life lists older children, adults, TV shows and online videos, plus school, childcare, playgrounds and older siblings. In primary school, friends and online games add more. The AAP says younger children often don't know what the words mean. Older ones may swear to impress friends.

Sometimes it isn't a swear word at all. A toddler trying out a new word can land on something that sounds rude, and Families for Life says to model the right word gently, with no fuss. Silly toilet words are their own phase. Many young children find them funny, and it usually passes.

Pick one family rule, such as no swearing at home, which the AAP suggests if it suits you. Children copy the words they hear at home, it adds, so the rule covers adults too. Agree a few replacement words your child can shout instead, like "Oh, bubbles!" or "Fishcakes!" When they use one, praise it. The AAP suggests rewarding children for showing frustration without swearing, and a star chart is one way.

Should you explain the word? Toddlers don't need a detailed explanation, Families for Life says. If an older child asks, give a short reason the word upsets people. Skip washing a mouth out with soap, which the AAP calls improper and ineffective.

If the words come from videos, check age ratings and watch with your child where you can, as Families for Life suggests. Our screen time guide sets out MOH's guidance by age, and internet safety for children covers what they see and do online.

Getting your helper, grandparents and preschool on the same script

A rule only works when every adult uses it. Agree what you say after a lie and the line you use for a swear word, then write both down for your helper and share them with grandparents.

Families for Life notes that children watch how caregivers talk when they're stressed or frustrated. Ask the adults at home to keep their own language clean around the children, on the phone and in the car too.

Tell the preschool teacher which word you're hearing and the line you use, so your child gets one message at home and in class.

In a lift or at the void deck, a loud word draws an audience. Use your usual flat line, keep walking, and talk about it at home, because a big public reaction gives the word exactly the attention that makes children say it again.

When to get help

Most lying and swearing fades with calm, steady handling. Talk to a professional if you notice any of these signs.

• Your child lies often, seems not to care about honesty, or the lying is causing real problems at home or school (Families for Life).
• The AAP says a child with a history of chronic lying should see a counsellor or a mental health professional.
• Swearing that comes with chronic lying, chronic stealing or trouble getting on with other children (AAP).
• Swearing and raging at people, which the AAP treats as different from the odd word said in frustration.
• A 4 to 5 year old who can't tell fantasy from reality. The AAP lists this as a reason to talk to your paediatrician.
• Any worry about your child's safety or wellbeing. Families for Life says to get professional help promptly.

Start with your GP, polyclinic doctor or paediatrician, and use our paediatrician map to find one near you. For problems at school, talk to the preschool teacher or the MOE school counsellor. If the lying comes with constant defiance and anger, read oppositional defiant disorder signs. Only a doctor can assess it, so treat the signs as a reason to ask.

If you think someone is hurting your child, call MSF's National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline on 1800-777-0000 or use its online reporting form. MSF says what you share is kept confidential. If anyone's life or safety is in immediate danger, call the police on 999. Our guide to body safety covers how to talk with your child about it.

Frequently asked questions

Child lying: what to do when they won't admit it?

Stop asking and say calmly what you know. Then give a small consequence linked to what happened. The AAP suggests telling your child they'll always get in much less trouble for the truth than for a lie. If it keeps happening and causes problems at school, talk to the teacher or school counsellor.

Child swearing: what to do if they picked it up at school?

Use your home line and keep it short. Families for Life says children hear swear words at school and in playgrounds, and that hearing a word doesn't mean they understand it. Ask the teacher to back up your line, and praise your child for using their replacement word.

How do I teach kids to be honest?

Be honest yourself, small fibs included. Thank your child each time they own up, even if there's still a consequence, and drop trap questions when you already know the answer. Families for Life says children who learn the truth brings support are less likely to hide mistakes.

Is it normal for a 3 year old to lie?

Yes. The AAP says 3 to 4 year olds often can't tell fantasy from reality, so many untrue things they say are wishes or stories. Play along with the pretend, then say what really happened in a calm voice.

Should I punish my child for lying?

Keep it small and linked to what happened, such as helping to clean up. The AAP says harsh punishment usually isn't very effective. It also warns that parents who overreact can push a child to keep lying to protect themselves.