Phrases not to say to kids, and what to say instead

You don't need a perfect script. The phrases not to say to kids are the ones that put a child down or brush off how they feel. Swap each one for words about what your child did and what to do next. When you slip, say sorry.

How to change what you say, step by step

1. Pause before you answer. The AAP says you can give yourself a time out once your child is safe.
2. Get close and make eye contact. Say your child's name if you need to, which is how the CDC says to start any direction.
3. Name the feeling first: "You're cross because the tower fell." NUH specialists, writing for Families for Life, say labelling emotions helps children understand them.
4. Use words that tell your child what to do next, like "Please walk beside me." The CDC says "Stop it!" and "Don't do that!" are too vague.
5. Describe what your child did. "You threw the spoon" gives them something to fix, while Families for Life warns that a label can start to feel like a permanent trait.
6. Praise the exact thing you liked, such as "You put every block back." The CDC says specific praise works best because your child knows exactly what you liked.
7. Warn only with a consequence you'll carry out. Consequences work only if you follow through each time, the CDC says.
8. Agree the same words with your helper and grandparents, and ask the preschool what they say in class. The AAP advises setting basic rules with family and child care providers that everyone follows.
9. Repair when you get it wrong. The AAP says to cool down first. Then apologise and explain how you'll handle it next time.
10. Play with your child for at least 5 to 15 minutes a day and let them lead, which is the CDC's advice for child-led play.

What to say instead: a swap table

Screenshot this or stick it on the fridge, so every adult at home uses the same lines. Change the wording until it sounds like you, in whatever language your family speaks.

Families for Life wrote its list for parents of tweens and teens. Comparisons and labels land on toddlers too. If the comparing is between your own children, our guide to sibling rivalry picks it up. For hitting and throwing, see how to discipline a toddler without shouting.

Why everyday words add up

Toddlers hear "no", "stop" and "quit" many times a day. The CDC says that's normal, because it's one of the ways they learn right from wrong. Over and over, though, those words can wear down a child's self-esteem until they believe they can't do anything right.

Harsh words weigh more. The AAP says yelling or using words to shame a child doesn't work and does harm. It adds that harsh verbal discipline can lead to more misbehaviour and mental health problems. That holds even for parents who are warm and loving the rest of the time.

Kind words work the other way. Families for Life cites studies putting the ratio in healthy relationships at about 6 positive comments to every negative one. You don't need to keep score, only to say the good things out loud more often.

You won't get it right every time. If a moment goes badly, the AAP says to try not to worry. Think about what you'd do differently next time. If guilt about past words is weighing on you, our guide to mum guilt can help. For how warmth and rules fit together, see parenting styles.

How to say sorry after words you regret

Saying sorry shows your child how to fix a mistake. Cool down first. Then apologise and explain how you'll handle it next time. The AAP says keeping that promise gives your child a model for recovering from their own mistakes.

You could say: "I shouted at you. I'm sorry. I was frustrated, and next time I'll take a breath first." Keep it short, then offer a hug if your child wants one.

If you feel close to losing control, put your child somewhere safe, like the cot, and step away. The AAP suggests taking a few deep breaths or calling a friend. When you feel better, go back and start over with a hug.

Wait for calm before you talk it through. NUH specialists say a meltdown isn't the time to reason with a child, so save the talk about feelings for after your child has settled. Our guide to toddler tantrums covers the meltdown itself.

Quality time and the ways children feel loved

"Love languages" is a popular idea about the ways people like to be shown love. The child health guides we used don't sort children into types. They point to everyday things instead: attention, affection, words and time.

• Attention: copy your child's play and describe what they're doing. The CDC says this shows them they have your full attention.
• Affection: a hug or a high five. The CDC counts these as rewards. For children who don't like being touched, it suggests a thumbs up or a smile.
• Words: specific praise and naming feelings, like the lines in the table above.
• Time: the CDC suggests at least 5 to 15 minutes of child-led play every day. Keep to the same time each day if you can, even after a bad day.

In child-led play, your child picks the activity. You follow. Blocks and crayons work well, but the CDC says toys that move and play by themselves don't suit this time. Hold back on questions and criticism while you play.

If you're starting from zero, the CDC says to begin with at least five minutes. When a helper or grandparent handles most of the daily care, this short play time can be the part you keep. For ideas by age, see learning through play.

When to get help

Hard days and the odd sharp word happen in every family. See your GP or a polyclinic doctor if you notice any of these:

• Your child often doesn't respond when you speak. Families for Life, in a guide by HealthHub, says to get a hearing check as soon as possible if you think your toddler isn't following instructions because they can't hear you.
• Your toddler makes no eye contact and doesn't look where you point. The same guide says to see a doctor about that, or if your toddler seems to be in their own world most of the time. You can track development with the Development Checklist in the Child Health Booklet, and our guide to early signs of autism explains what happens next.
• Big feelings are getting in the way of preschool or friendships. NUH specialists say trouble with strong emotions can affect how a child learns and gets along with others. Intense tantrums and aggression are among the signs they list.
• You're finding it hard to stop shouting. NUH's team reminds parents that it's okay to make mistakes and to seek professional help. Your doctor can point you to support.
• You're worried an adult's words or actions are harming a child. MSF lists emotional and psychological abuse as a form of child abuse. Call the National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline on 1800-777-0000 or make an online report. You can also contact the police. An older child can tell a teacher or school counsellor, MSF says.

To find a paediatrician near you, use our paediatrician map.

Frequently asked questions

What are the worst things not to say to your child?

The ones that put a child down or compare them, such as "What's wrong with you?" and "Why can't you be like your brother?" The AAP says words used to shame a child are ineffective and harmful. Threats you won't carry out come close behind. Swap them for words about the behaviour and what to do next.

Is it bad to say "good job" to my child?

No. Families for Life says some praise is better than none. The CDC adds that specific praise works best, because your child learns exactly what you liked. So add the detail: "Good job putting your shoes on by yourself."

What are the love languages of children?

Love languages is a popular idea, and the child health guides we checked don't use it. They talk about everyday ways to show love, such as your attention and your time. The CDC notes that different approaches work for different children, so watch what yours responds to.

How much quality time with children is enough each day?

The CDC suggests at least 5 to 15 minutes of child-led play every day. Begin with five minutes and build up as it gets easier. Pick a time you can keep, and put your phone away.

What should I say instead of "stop crying"?

Name the feeling and stay close: "You're sad we have to leave the playground. I'm here." NUH specialists say dismissing a child's emotions may teach them to hide their feelings. Once your child is calm, talk about what happened.

I said something hurtful to my child. What should I do?

Wait until you're calm. Then apologise and say how you'll handle it next time, as the AAP advises. Keep that promise, because the AAP says it shows your child how to recover from mistakes.