Sibling rivalry: what to do when your kids fight

Sibling rivalry is a normal part of having a brother or sister. KKH says it tends to build from age 2 until about 5 to 6, as children start to notice how you treat each of them. You don't have to stop every squabble. Step in when someone could get hurt, calm everyone first, then help them agree on a fix.

What to do when siblings fight, step by step

1. Step in straight away if anyone could get hurt. KKH says dangerous fights need to be stopped immediately, and Raising Children Network adds shouting, hurtful words and threats.
2. Separate them, even if it's only opposite corners of the flat. Families for Life notes that reasoning won't work while emotions are running high.
3. Keep your own voice low. KKH says yelling or lecturing won't help, and Raising Children Network suggests a few slow breaths before you speak.
4. Skip the question of who started it. KKH says it takes two to make a quarrel, so hold both to the same rule: "In our family, we don't hit."
5. Listen to each child once they're calm. Help them name the feeling: "You're upset because she knocked down your tower."
6. Help them agree on a fix they both find fair, such as taking turns. Younger children need you to lead this part, KKH says.
7. Put the toy or tablet away if they can't agree. Families for Life suggests keeping it out of reach until they work out a solution together.
8. Praise them when they get along or settle a fight on their own. Families for Life says this helps them use the same skills by themselves over time.
9. Notice when fights tend to start. KKH suggests checking whether they happen before naps, bedtime or meals, then trying an earlier snack or a quiet activity.

Why siblings fight

KKH lists the usual reasons. Toddlers guard their toys and are learning to assert their will. School-age children have a strong sense of fairness. Moods and temperaments matter too. When one child is sick or has extra needs and gets more of your attention, KKH says the others may act up to get attention or out of fear.

Children also copy how the adults at home handle disagreements. KKH says children whose parents work through conflict calmly and respectfully are likely to do the same. Raising Children Network adds that kids learn from seeing you disagree respectfully and apologise when you get things wrong. Our guide to disciplining a toddler without shouting has calm words to try.

If the rivalry began when a new baby arrived, start with our guide to preparing your toddler for a new baby, which covers jealousy in the early weeks.

Fair is not the same as equal

KKH says being fair is very important, but it isn't the same as being equal. Older and younger children can have different privileges because of their age. Raising Children Network gives the example of different expectations for a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old.

Explain the difference out loud, since KKH says this helps children see the fairness: "You stay up later because you're older. Your sister will too when she's your age." Families for Life suggests similar treatment at similar ages.

Comparisons can lead to bad feelings between siblings, Families for Life says, so focus on each child's strengths instead. KKH also advises against labelling children. Skip "Why can't you eat nicely like your sister?" and name the behaviour: "Your plate is still on the table. Please put it in the sink." For more lines to swap, see phrases not to say to kids.

Give each child time alone with you, too. Families for Life suggests regular one-on-one time with your undivided attention, and the AAP suggests fitting it into daily routines, such as a chat at bedtime. That could be a walk to the void deck playground or a trip to the library or wet market with just one child. Families for Life adds that children are never too old for it.

Sharing a bedroom in a small flat

If your children share a room, KKH says they may feel they have little or no personal space, and that the other child is to blame. Siblings of the same sex who are close in age may even compete over who gets the bed nearest the window.

Space can be small and still count:

• Give each child a drawer, shelf or box the other can't open. Raising Children Network says even a drawer helps.
• Let each child keep a few special things they don't have to share.
• Set a knock-first rule for the room, and knock yourself. The AAP suggests siblings enter each other's room only with permission.
• Make time apart. KKH says children need chances to play with their own friends without their sibling.

Outside the flat, sit yourself or the pram between your kids on the bus or MRT, as Raising Children Network suggests. If a fight starts while you're driving, pull over before you deal with it.

When grandparents or a helper treat the kids differently

If a grandparent always lets the youngest off, or a helper takes one child's side, the other child notices. KKH advises adults not to take sides or play favourites. Families for Life says other caregivers, including grandparents and a domestic helper, should keep to the same routine and rules as you.

Agree on a few house rules and the exact words everyone uses, such as "We take turns" and "We use gentle hands." Raising Children Network suggests writing rules as positive statements and putting them on the fridge where everyone can see them. Talk it over with grandparents or your helper away from the children, and thank them for the care they already give.

If you need a break in the middle of a fight, it's fine to hand over. Raising Children Network suggests asking another adult to take over while you take some time out.

Common sibling fights and what helps

With toddlers, the AAP says you'll need to repeat simple rules about sharing and not hitting many times. For more, see our guides to a child who can't handle losing, teaching a toddler to share and hitting and aggressive behaviour.

When to get help

Most sibling fights are part of growing up. It's worth talking to a professional if:

• One child is often hurt, seems frightened of the other, or never fights back. KKH says this may be sibling abuse and needs professional help straight away.
• Fights are regularly physical, menacing or aggressive, or keep upsetting others (Families for Life).
• Your children threaten, intimidate or deliberately humiliate each other (Raising Children Network).
• One or more of your children finds it hard to manage strong emotions or impulses (Raising Children Network).
• The fighting leaves you overwhelmed or stressed. Raising Children Network says that is worth getting support for too.

Start with your GP, polyclinic doctor or paediatrician. Families for Life says a GP can refer you to a psychologist who specialises in children's behaviour. It suggests bringing both children, so one doesn't feel solely responsible. If the fighting shows up at preschool or school, talk to the teacher or the school counsellor. Our guide to child mental health in Singapore lists more places to go.

If a child is in danger, MSF says to call the police at 999 or SMS 70999. To report abuse or family violence, call MSF's National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline at 1800-777-0000. MSF says what you share is kept confidential.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal for siblings to fight every day?

Yes. KKH says squabbles from jealousy or competition are common, and that sibling rivalry is perfectly normal. It tends to build from age 2 until about 5 to 6. What matters is that the fighting stays safe and that your children learn to make up afterwards.

Siblings fighting: should I step in or let them sort it out?

Let small disagreements run, and step in when there's hitting, hurtful words or threats. The AAP suggests giving children a chance to solve a simple disagreement on their own. Children under 5 need more help, so Raising Children Network suggests keeping their play close to you.

How do I stop siblings fighting so much?

You won't stop all of it, but you can make fights less frequent. Set a few clear house rules, give each child time alone with you and some space of their own, and praise them when they get along. KKH also suggests checking whether fights happen before naps or meals, then adjusting the routine.

How do I handle sibling jealousy?

Let your child say how they feel without telling them off for it. KKH advises against talking children out of their feelings and suggests helping them find the words: "You wish you could have Mummy all to yourself." Then plan some time alone with that child. If the jealousy started with a new baby, see our new baby guide.

Should I punish both kids or only the one who started it?

KKH says it doesn't matter who started it, because it takes two to make a quarrel, so hold both children to the same rule. Raising Children Network suggests making any consequence fit each child's age. It warns that lines like "You should have known better because you're older" can leave a child more hurt and resentful.

Is sibling rivalry worse with a small age gap?

KKH says there is no perfect age gap. Siblings of the same sex who are close in age may compete more, and KKH says this has less to do with gender than with things like sharing a bedroom. Whatever the gap, some space and one-on-one time for each child help.