Toddler refusing potty training: why it happens and what helps

If your toddler is refusing potty training, ease off the pressure first. Families for Life warns that too much tension can make a child avoid the toilet. Most refusal has a cause you can find: not ready yet, fear after a painful poo, a battle of wills or a big change at home. Fix the cause, keep sits short and calm, and get every adult using one plan.

What to do when your toddler refuses the potty, step by step

1. Rule out pain first. Families for Life lists pain on the toilet, very hard poos and blood in the poo or urine as reasons to see your GP or paediatrician.
2. Let your child get up from the potty whenever they want. That's what SingHealth Polyclinics' toilet training leaflet advises, and it draws on KKH's child development team.
3. Take your child off after 3 to 5 minutes if nothing comes. Families for Life says long sits start to feel like a punishment.
4. Offer the potty when a poo is likely, such as 30 minutes after eating or after a bath, as Families for Life suggests.
5. Let your child pick a potty or a seat on the big toilet, since Families for Life says to go with what your child prefers.
6. Ask less often and let your child decide when to go, which is what the NHS advises.
7. Praise every try, even when nothing comes out, as Families for Life advises. "Good sitting!" is enough.
8. Clean up accidents without a fuss. The SingHealth Polyclinics leaflet says accidents are expected and scolding makes training more stressful.
9. Agree one plan with your helper, grandparents and preschool teacher, because the same leaflet says all caregivers should use the same words.
10. Take a break for a few weeks if it's still a battle. The NHS says a child who keeps refusing or wetting is not quite ready yet.

Why toddlers refuse the potty or slip back

Refusing to start and going backwards often have the same causes. Potty training regression is when a child who was using the potty starts having accidents again or asks for nappies. The AAP names a new sitter, starting preschool, a new baby and a major illness in the child or the family as common triggers. HealthHub adds that starting a new school can upset a child's routine and their bowels.

Some of it is simply age. The SingHealth Polyclinics leaflet says boys usually take longer to train than girls. The AAP says most children start to have daytime bladder control by age 4. If your child isn't showing the signs yet, our potty training readiness guide covers what to look for and how to start again.

When your toddler refuses to poo on the potty

Lots of toddlers wee in the potty but still want a nappy for poo. The NHS calls this normal. It also says getting angry can frighten your child and lead to constipation.

HealthHub says children hold on for a few reasons. They don't want to stop playing, they don't like pooing away from home, or they're scared after an earlier painful poo. Frequent holding on makes poos harder, HealthHub adds, and the NHS says pain can make a child hold on.

So treat any constipation before you work on the habit. Our toddler constipation guide covers the signs, the food and drink that help, and when your doctor may suggest medicine.

Then fade the nappy out slowly, the way the NHS suggests. Set up the trainer seat and a step stool, and keep a favourite book or small toy nearby. Let your child sit on the toilet wearing the nappy, with the sides loosened. After each success, loosen it a little more, until it falls away and the poo drops into the toilet. The NHS says to start with small steps and be patient.

Potty training regression: when a trained child goes backwards

Start with your child's doctor, the AAP says, to rule out a physical cause such as constipation or an infection. Then look at what has changed in their life.

• Name what you've noticed, calmly. "You've been having lots of wet pants at school. Is something worrying you?" The AAP suggests listening and helping your child put the upset into words.
• After a new baby, set aside time alone with your toddler, as the AAP suggests. Our guide to preparing your toddler for a new baby has more ideas.
• After starting preschool, go in with your child to talk to the teacher about toilet breaks, which the AAP recommends. Our starting childcare guide covers the settling-in weeks.
• After a move, put familiar things from the old home around the new potty (AAP).

Most regressions are short. The AAP says many children pick up where they left off after a few days or weeks. If it drags on for a month or more, the AAP says your child may not have been fully ready, and putting the potty away for a while does no harm if it would be a relief to your child. For wetting at night, see our night-time potty training guide.

One plan for parents, helpers, grandparents and preschool

Your toddler may spend more of the day with a helper, a grandparent or a teacher than with you. Families for Life suggests telling anyone who cares for your child without you that they're toilet training, so they can do it the way you do at home. Grandparents may have trained their own children differently. Ask what worked for them, then agree what everyone will do now.

Agree these few things and write them down for everyone:

• The words. One word for wee and one for poo, used by every adult (SingHealth Polyclinics).
• The timing. Sits after meals and before going out, at home and in class.
• The reaction to accidents. A calm clean-up with no scolding. Families for Life says children don't usually have accidents on purpose.
• Where the potty lives. Families for Life says to keep it easy to get to. In a small flat, the bathroom doorway often works.
• The pause. If you take a break at home, the preschool takes one too.

Punishment and scolding make training more stressful, the SingHealth Polyclinics leaflet says. KKH says punishing or blaming a child for bedwetting may make it worse. For calm words, see our guide to discipline without shouting.

When to get help

See your GP, a polyclinic doctor or a paediatrician if you notice any of these:

• Pain or burning when your child wees, new wetting in the day, a fever, or cloudy, smelly or bloody urine. HealthHub lists these among the signs of a urinary tract infection.
• Pain when your child poos or wees, or trying regularly with little or no success. The SingHealth Polyclinics leaflet names both as reasons to see a doctor.
• Blood in the poo or urine, poos that are very hard to pass, or a big change in how often your child goes (Families for Life).
• No poo for more than 4 days, new soiling of underwear, a swollen tummy with vomiting, or leg weakness (HealthHub).
• A child who was dry for several months and starts wetting the bed again. KKH says stress or big changes can play a part, but occasionally the cause is medical.
• Daytime accidents in a child over 4 that carry on for at least 6 months after training. The AAP says doctors don't usually diagnose a bladder control problem before this point.
• Wetting the bed more than twice a week by age 6, which the SingHealth Polyclinics leaflet names as a reason to see your doctor.

Keep a diary first. The AAP calls a daily log of how often your child wees a good first step, and you can add poos and accidents to it. Our paediatrician map finds a children's doctor near you. If you're also worried about speech, play or other skills, our toddler milestones guide lists what to raise with the doctor.

Frequently asked questions

Why is my toddler refusing potty training?

The usual reasons are not being ready yet, fear after a painful poo, a battle over control, or a big change such as a new baby or a new preschool. Check for pain or constipation first, then ease off. The NHS says a child who keeps refusing is not quite ready, and suggests trying again in a few weeks.

How long does potty training regression last?

Usually not long. The AAP says many children pick up where they left off after a few days or weeks. Its advice is to see your doctor first to rule out a physical cause. If it lasts a month or more, the AAP says putting the potty away for a while does no harm.

What do I do when my toddler refuses to poo on the potty?

Stay calm, because the NHS says getting angry can frighten your child and lead to constipation. Treat any constipation first. Then let your child poo in a loosened nappy while sitting on the toilet, and loosen it a little more each time.

Should I put my toddler back in nappies?

You don't need to rush them out. The SingHealth Polyclinics leaflet says nappies can be reassuring and advises against hurrying a child out of them. For poos, the NHS approach is a loosened nappy worn on the toilet, so your child still sits in the right place.

Is it normal for an older toddler to still refuse the potty?

It's common at this age. The SingHealth Polyclinics leaflet says accidents are expected in training, and boys usually take longer than girls. The AAP says most children start to have daytime bladder control by age 4. Talk to your doctor if daytime accidents carry on past 4, or if your child has pain.