Child hitting and aggressive behaviour: what to do and when to get help

When your child hits, bites, kicks or pushes, step in fast to keep everyone safe, and calm yourself before you say a word. Once things settle, teach them what to do with the angry feeling instead. Child hitting and other aggressive behaviour is common in toddlers. Families for Life says biting and tantrums often happen between 1 and 3 years, while children are still learning to say how they feel.

What to do when your child hits or bites, step by step

1. Step in and stop it. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) advises pulling children apart and keeping them apart until they have calmed down.
2. Check on the child who got hurt first. Families for Life suggests comforting them and saying sorry to their parent, which also takes attention away from the hitting.
3. Calm yourself before you say anything. Families for Life suggests counting to 10 or taking a few deep breaths.
4. Say the rule in a few words, the same way every time: "No hitting. Hitting hurts." Families for Life recommends short, clear phrases.
5. Name the feeling: "You're cross because he took your truck." Hearing the word for it now gives your child something to say instead of hitting next time.
6. Move your child to quiet time beside you, which Families for Life says often suits toddlers better than a full time-out.
7. Use a time-out of 2 to 3 minutes if the hitting carries on after reminders, as Families for Life suggests, and start the timer once your child is calm and quiet.
8. Teach what to do instead once everyone is calm. Give your child a line to say, like "Stop, that's mine", or a safe move, like coming to find you.
9. Praise gentle hands when you see them. The AAP suggests praise and affection when your child is kind and gentle.

Why young children hit, bite and push

Young children who hit usually have big feelings and not many words yet. Families for Life says toddlers may bite because they don't yet have the language for anger and frustration, or even for joy.

The triggers are usually ordinary ones. Families for Life lists being tired, hungry, frustrated, overwhelmed or bored, and noise, crowds or a sudden change of plan can tip a child over too. So can having to share toys or your attention with someone else. An ECDA Fellow quoted by Families for Life says every behaviour is a form of communication, so ask what your child needs before you decide how to respond.

Talk about the hitting, not about who your child is. Families for Life warns against calling a child "a biter", because children can start to live up to the label.

Hitting often comes in the middle of a meltdown. For the meltdown itself, see our guide to managing toddler tantrums.

Hitting and biting by age

One plan for parents, grandparents and your helper

Many Singapore children spend the day with a grandparent, a helper or both. Families for Life says parents and other caregivers should agree on family rules and consequences. When adults respond in different ways, children get confused about what's expected.

Sit down together, away from the children, and agree on the words you'll all use and where quiet time happens. Then decide what comes next if the hitting carries on. Write the words down for your helper. If she's new, add them to our new helper arrival checklist.

In an HDB flat you won't have a spare room for this, and you don't need one. Families for Life suggests a hallway or a reading corner for time-out. Pick one spot and have every adult use it.

Smacking or the cane can feel like the quick fix, especially if that's how you were raised. Families for Life is clear that a consequence should never harm or frighten a child. Children copy us. The AAP says that when you show anger in quiet, peaceful ways, your child will probably follow your example. Shouting is the same story: an ECDA Fellow told Families for Life it may stop the behaviour for a moment, but it leaves the child more anxious and fearful. Our guide to disciplining a toddler without shouting has words to try instead.

When it happens at preschool or infant care

If the teacher says your child hit or bit someone, ask what happened just before. Then use the same words at home and at school. The AAP suggests staying in close contact with your child's teacher and other caregivers so you can track the behaviour together.

Biting is especially common from 13 to 30 months, Families for Life says, so it helps to know your centre's plan early. Ask how teachers handle a bite and how they'll tell you about it.

If your child is the one who got bitten or pushed, comfort them first. Then ask the teacher what happened and what the centre is doing about it. If the same child keeps hurting yours, our guide to bullying in preschool covers how to raise it with the centre.

Child misbehaving at home: routines and praise

Hitting at home tends to cluster around the same moments. Think of a sibling grabbing a toy, the end of screen time or a missed nap. Families for Life says these behaviours often happen in specific situations, and spotting the pattern helps you step in earlier. Jot down when it happens so you can see it.

Families for Life says steady routines help children feel secure, and that regular one-to-one time gives them the attention they need. Short spells of play with just you count.

Praise the exact thing you want to see again: "You asked for the spade. Good asking." Families for Life suggests praising your child when they use their words and keep control. For older toddlers, it says a sticker chart for days without biting can help.

Use consequences that match the problem. If your child keeps snatching, Families for Life suggests putting the toy away for a while. If most fights start over toys, our guide to teaching a toddler to share can help, and sibling rivalry covers fights between brothers and sisters. Tiredness is a common trigger, so check bedtime with our kids bedtime calculator.

When to get help

Families for Life calls biting very common in babies and toddlers. These signs mean it's worth talking to a professional:

• It has gone on for longer than a few weeks and you can't cope with it on your own (AAP).
• It causes injuries to your child or others, such as teeth marks or bruises (AAP).
• Your child is being sent home or kept from playing by neighbours or the preschool (AAP).
• You fear for the safety of the people around your child (AAP).
• It happens often or gets more intense over time (Families for Life).
• It gets in the way of friendships or of joining in everyday activities (Families for Life).
• You also have worries about your child's speech or development. HealthHub encourages a developmental assessment with your doctor.

Start with your GP, polyclinic doctor or paediatrician, and bring what your helper, grandparents and preschool teacher have seen too. HealthHub says talking to other caregivers and teachers helps you understand how your child behaves in different settings. For children not yet in primary school, the doctor may refer you on to NUH's Child Development Unit or KKH's Department of Child Development. Need a doctor? Try our paediatrician map.

Once your child is in primary school, the school counsellor is a good first stop. They can ask IMH's REACH team to do an assessment, and IMH says a referral letter from any polyclinic lets you see its Child Guidance Clinic at subsidised rates.

Only a professional can tell you whether a condition such as ADHD or oppositional defiant disorder is part of the picture. Our guides to ADHD in children, oppositional defiant disorder and early signs of autism cover each one.

If you think someone is hurting your child, or there's violence at home, call MSF's National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline on 1800-777-0000. If anyone is in danger right now, MSF says to call the police at 999 or SMS 70999.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal for a toddler to hit, kick and push?

Yes, it's common. Families for Life lists aggression such as hitting and biting among the usual challenging behaviours in young children. The AAP says toddlers need you to teach them not to kick, hit or bite when they're angry, and to use words instead. Stop it each time and name the feeling, then show them what to do instead.

How do I stop my toddler biting?

Respond the same way every time with a firm, short "No biting." Comfort the child who was bitten first, then move your toddler away for quiet time. Families for Life suggests praising your toddler when they use words instead, and not calling them a biter. Biting is most common from 13 to 30 months, so expect to repeat this many times.

What can I do about my child misbehaving at home?

Look for the trigger first. Families for Life says children act out when they're tired, hungry, frustrated, overwhelmed or bored. Keep routines steady and agree rules with every adult at home. Then praise the behaviour you want to see more of. Use consequences linked to the problem, never ones that harm or frighten your child.

Should I smack my child for hitting?

Families for Life says a consequence should never harm, frighten or humiliate a child. The AAP says children tend to copy the way you handle anger, so a calm response teaches more. Try quiet time beside you, then talk it through once you're both calm.

My toddler got bitten at preschool. What should I do?

Comfort your child, then ask the teacher what happened and what the centre is doing. Biting is very common at this age, so it helps to stay calm with the other family too. If the same child keeps hurting yours, our guide to bullying in preschool covers next steps.